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Transformative Goodbyes

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Dear soft hearted loves,

I’m leaving a clinic I love and goodbyes are hard. This one is especially hard because I love so many of the patients I serve and coworkers. I’ve created bonds and relationships with one of my dearest friends at the clinic and developed trusting, therapuetic alliances with those I serve. Leaving this job does not mean I’m leaving the patients, but rather transferring to something I can sustain as a highly sensitive healer.

I’ve consulted with trauma recovery experts and developed a plan to say goodbye over the course of three months. I began recording inner child healing meditations and upping my blog game to create a connection between them and myself even when we can no longer work together in treatment. I have worked tirelessly the last three months to let them know they are seen and that our thread of connection can continue within themselves if that’s what serves them. Still, goodbyes are hard. Sometimes goodbyes can bring up memories from losing a loved one or perhaps they bring up the abandonment of a friend leaving or choosing another friend. For some they can bring up a profound sense of aloneness. For some folx goodbyes can feel angry, irritable, or confusing. All feelings are welcome here.

Please send compassionate understanding and validation around feelings that arise. Whether you are saying goodbye to a chapter in your life, an old business, or a lover, please please please be gentle with yourself. Let’s send even more gentleness to these healing parts of you.

In this goodbye where I’m transitioning from a clinic to something else I am creating special transitional items to symbolize the goodbye with anyone who would like it. For some this can be a special journal and for others it can be a simple picture together. What has made a goodbye better for you?

We can also highlight the gratitudes from our time together. For example, there are people I have yet to meet in person but who did such transformative inner work in our time together. Wow! Can we just sit with that for a minute. We can acknowledge the feelings that arise with goodbyes, because they sure are hard, and we can invite thanks to whatever it did for us in that time together.

A friend and trauma recovery genius once told me that when someone comes to mind after a goodbye she likes to think they are thinking of her at that same very time. May you cross my mind and I cross yours.

Goodbye to those where our work has come to an end. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey and for being a part of mine.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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Love Yourself

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Dear Soft Hearted Loves,

How would you feed yourself if you fed yourself like you feed your lover? Where would you work if you paid yourself like you’d pay a friend? How would you talk to yourself if there was an infant within rather than the adult you?

You’ll notice several of our blogs are how to’s. Not this one! There is not much on how to love yourself since it’s already in there and we just have to get out of the way of blocking ourselves from our own innermost kindness. Easier said than done as these inner defenses (and sometimes even external defenses) have been with us for centuries and across cultures. You can access the inner love in this moment. The Power of Now discusses accessing the inner loving presence over and over (the book can be found here: https://bookshop.org/a/23992/9781577314806).

If we talked to ourselves like we talk to a pet, baby, or close friend I think we’d be in a lot more of a cohesive, kind environment. There are several articles on how to love yourself. Whatever that looks like for you I’m grateful you’re taking a chance today to give another article a try.

You have what you need within. I’m not going to tell you to start therapy with me and then you’ll feel better or use this oil to love yourself more or do this worksheet to like yourself more. I’m not going to recommend walking or sun or antidepressants to love yourself more. I’m not going to suggest you do better and then you’ll be more worthy of loving yourself. All I’m going to say is that the love you want and need is already right in there. Maybe even put your hand on it. My love within feels like it is in my tummy and chest. We already have everything we need inside to love on ourselves more.

Some of us may have to work hard around those toxic thoughts or noting obsessions rather than arguing with the thoughts and having them loop back around. Some of us may even have to work hard to affirm or praise ourselves. Some may work to recover from the social traumas or other traumas. You may be thinking a valid thought, how can this “easy for this White lady to say all this.” That thought is perfectly valid. There are so many aspects to my privileges I must acknowledge.

If the old ways of dreaming no longer serve you then we can thank them. Old ways of workaholism and then life will be good or depression until we acquire that romantic relationship or attainment of quieter thoughts and then we’ll be happy are fantasies that may have helped us achieve and survive. I thank these hard work narratives so much. And we can now spot the joy and love that’s already there within. It’s best accessed with quiet. Sometimes it can be accessed by thanking the protective parts of you that worked so hard to survive traumas and imagine infant you. Sometimes our compassion and quiet is more easily accessed by loving on baby us or imagining how we’d talk to a lover. We can access the love and ease within. When we rewire our neuropathways for noting, affirming, and praising we are changing the intergenerational programming. This sort of reparenting can help us to access all the love within that’s been there all along.

With kindness,

Dr. Hannah Alia Joharchi

Featured

How to Handle Tossing and Turning

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Dear Soft Hearted Loves,

There are so many articles out there on how we’ve got to disconnect from screens about a half an hour before bed to get good rest and I’ll be honest, I haven’t been doing this. This article is not to shame us into better sleep hygiene. We’ve got gazillions of helpful articles recommending a bed time routine and I practice and recommend this too. I get it, no lights, and do gentle reparenting before bed to help with sleep. But what happens when you’re tossing and turning? A majority of people in the U.S. experienced sleep issues during this pandemic and I wonder if it is related to trauma. As such I’d like to address sleep interruption with a gentle trauma-focused approach. Keep reading for a few recommendations on how to address the toss and the turn the next time you’re awake in the middle of the night.

  1. Note/observe. Noting and observing have been one of the most helpful tools in my toolkit to not judging or criticizing thoughts as much. Noting what arises in thought or feeling can be helpful because it doesn’t say pick it up, analyze it, and see why you thought it in the first place. Noting what thoughts arise is like observing a child playing. We just note, “oh that child is skipping” or “she’s crying.” We don’t have to assign all sorts of meaning or judgment to what we observe. It is great to find out if a pattern of thoughts or feelings is leading us to or from something, but sometimes this can be difficult to discern when we can’t get back to sleep and often isn’t helpful at 2 am. Observing a thought without judgment or even observing the judgment of the initial thought can help us to note it and just watch it rather than get stuck in the intrusive thoughts loop with no exit in sight. Also, it is okay if it’s really, really hard to note too. We can even observe it’s difficult to detach and pause a thought loop. In fact, it may be very difficult to unhook from an intrusive thought loop late at night and that’s understandable, especially if our neural pathways have had years of practice at holding on tight to looping thoughts. Please reach out to me if you’d like to talk more about meditation practice to help with noting during any time, not just when it is hard to sleep. If you’d like an inner child sleep meditation let me know and I can post one on InsightTimer.
  2. Promise to revisit tomorrow. You can promise your inner parts that you’ll revisit whatever is on your mind the next day. For example, if something said something that hurt and you didn’t realize it until 4 am you can process after you get some more sleep and awake to start the new day. You can set a gentle internal boundary. It doesn’t mean arguing with your inner critic or battling other parts of yourself. In fact, I’d recommend pouring on loads of validation. For example, “I see how painful these thoughts are for you right now and I promise we’ll look at it more or address it tomorrow at lunch break.” This is just one example of many of how to acknowledge while practicing some helpful reparenting of promising to revisit another time. Over time the inner parts often develop more trust that we’ll come back to hear them out rather than stuffing our feelings or experiences deep down.
  3. Gentleness. Take it easy on yourself with whatever internal debates, pains, wounds or fatigues are taking from sleep. Take it easy on yourself no matter what. Easier said than done, but please practice your most compassionate voice here. You can even use a mindfulness self compassion exercise where you talk to yourself like you’d talk to your dear friend on your best day. You can even pet your own arm like you would your beloved pet. Hopefully you’d send someone suffering understanding and love without blame. Hopefully you’d send them gentleness no matter what. It’s easier said than done, but practicing this with yourself too is possible. It’s also helpful to take it easy on yourself the next day. Is there an appointment you can be flexible with, time for a walk in the sun, or can you do one less chore by any chance? Love on little you like you would if you had a child who struggled to sleep the night before.

Thank you for taking a moment to learn how we can note, commit to revisit, and be gentle with ourselves when we want to sleep and cannot. One last thought is that sometimes the day is so filled with doing what we do (such as nursing, therapizing, parenting, or something else) that we didn’t experience any play or relaxation. Sometimes our inner parts may be up and about because they are forcing their way out since we didn’t let them out to play while we were helping others or working very hard all day. If that’s the case, this awakening in the middle of the night thing can be addressed by some tender, loving reparenting throughout your day by sprinkling or squeezing in relaxation and play. This is also so much easier said than done. Is there something small you need in this moment that you can acknowledge?

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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Energetic Recharge Part 2

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Dear soft hearted loves,

This week we are back to treating burnout. However, this time let’s look at dismantling sexism and colonialism to prevent burnout from happening in the first place. Society unfortunately seems to expect people to do more than their supposed to do especially if they are perceived as or assigned as feminine or a woman or a person of color (POC). Colonialist principles expected POC to be enslaved and smiling about it. For example, when I moved to California I was saddened to see Mission San Jóse with paintings of First Nations Peoples or Indigenous People smiling while they did the colonialist’s work. Colonialists made slavery and colonialism look like a choice and like a job in these paintings. It is outrageous that these are pieces of “art” being displayed as late as 2018 in California. This devastating colonialism is part of our very recent roots in the United States. There are tremendous tree trunks, leaves, and fruit that have grown from these recent roots and society continues to expect feminine people and POC to do more for less.

People portraying enslavement and colonialism as a joyful job in a painting at Mission San Jóse is horrific and we know many other examples of how colonialism and sexism show up in the work place such as unequal pay. Of course womyn and POC may experience burnout with the weight of the country on their shoulders.

We can prevent some of this burnout by getting to those roots in every work meeting, every interaction, and every step of the way from home to work and back. We can prevent more burnout through dismantling colonialism and sexism in the workplace and home especially for White presenting folx like myself.

As a White presenting person I want to both acknowledge my privilege and dismantle racism and sexism, including at work. It can be everywhere from smaller actions to more large-scale actions. It can be as micro as looking at who you serve and how you welcome other women and POC into the field to as large scale as bringing systems issues to attention.

Micro ways of addressing colonialism and sexism at my jobs include and are not limited to leaving on time, taking breaks, referring patients with equity, and acknowledging my privilege in the therapy room. This ensures that I do not perpetuate the work harder for less money and commitment to equity.

Macro ways of dismantling colonialism and sexism in this context include changing systems to be more inclusive, “inviting in” by introducing yourself at meetings with pronouns and acknowledging other layers of privilege, and confronting internal and external isms at work daily. Ensuring we don’t wait for someone else to address these wounds means we could be preventing someone from feeling knocked down, burdened, exhausted and burned out by the colonialist, sexist systems.

Preventing burnout in the first place is somewhat less discussed than identifying a burnout recovery plan. As we return to some activities that may feel safe to return to and as we connect more in person folx report more and more burnout to me daily. We must look at what we can do now to treat those burns and also address the cause of much of our burnout. If people are treated with equity we have a chance at preventing burnout. Dismantling colonialism and sexism is the mental health remedy for burnout.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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Energetic Recharge Part 1

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Dear soft hearted loves,

People have been talking about burning out quite a bit so I thought I’d blog about it. Burn out sometimes has Eurocentric solutions that aren’t accessible or don’t help everyone. This article will explain what burnout is and three ways to address it.

You don’t have to wait until you’ve snapped at a coworker, fell asleep at work, or made an unhelpful decision with a client to address your burnout. You may feel tired, irritable, and heavy in a way that really only revolves around your work or the duties involving your burnout (such as specifically related to work, caretaking, or parenting). It may be that when you stop working or doing this other activity you feel like yourself again. You may notice your energy return quickly not like with a more long-standing depressive episode. Burn out for me amazes me when I bounce back on the weekend and recover when I’m not working. It also felt difficult in the past when I dealt with burnout when people would talk a lot about vacations. I didn’t have time or money to dedicate to these vacations. I’d like to talk about other ideas we can consider as an immediate and long-term balm for those burned places in your psyche. Some of us are even the firefighters for other people’s psyche. We have some double, triple burn to tend to in these cases.

I believe that with accessing your recharge you may be able to recover from your burnout. With that being said, if you continue to suffer from burnout it may be helpful to access a healer who can truly help you out at this time such as a kind psychologist who can support you through depression.

We may look at how to prevent burnout, but then I think we need to get into a long and helpful discussion on sexism and colonialism. What I mean by that is that often times women, especially women of color are expected to do more for less. For example, for many years they have psychologists, especially women of color psychologists under earn in areas where burn out is most prevalent. We hear it modeled and perpetuated all of the time. So to prevent burnout, which I believe to be the more important topic, we will talk in another blog in the near future about how to dismantle sexism and colonialism in your work life, but for now let us broach the more superficial issue of how to recover from burnout now:

  1. Intentionality-I’m almost certain that you’re already intentional out there in the world. If you’re reading this blog my guess is you live intentionally by trying to recover from your burnout. Every song, tv show, media, and friend conversation can be taxing on someone who is already burned out and it is difficult to spot. I’m not talking about doing laundry and getting groceries. I’m talking about the other things we do in our lives that feel less intentional. When we discern what brings us joy or gives us reprieve from the burned parts of our spirit then we can recover. It can be difficult not to bounce off the bowling bumpers given someone may feel so tired, but it may not serve us well to live unintentionally bouncing off the bumpers down the lane. We can live intentionally by reviewing our values, reallocating time, and practicing boundaries that are authentic to us. For example, if you love a friend, and also notice you feel drained and distracted when you talk with her lately you may check in with yourself. Would it be helpful to talk with her at a different time of the day? Less often? Or in person rather than on the phone? Another example is bouncing in between watching a TV show and checking emails from work. If you’re racking through work communications instead of enjoying a series or if you’re feeling too charged by the TV show and are reverting back to work to soothe you can pause here and see what works best for you. What is it that soothes you? What feeds your spirit? And how can you get more of that in your life with other constraints in your life? For example, do you listen to the radio on your headphones or speaker as you travel to work when it may make you feel better to have quiet time or listen to your favorite book? Or are you calling people back to go with the motions of life or is it serving the greatest good of all?

2. People-Speaking of people, who are those people who help recharge your energy? Even if you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP) with loads of introverted tendencies, you are human and need people. There are a couple of people I feel deeply heard by and who I attempt to hear as well. These folx are in my heart. I can share or not share as much as I need to. These are people who do not judge me. They praise me when I didn’t know there was praise to find. We may talk about difficult cases. We may be playful. Whatever it is these friendships do NOT look like the TV show Friends with everyone looking alike and laughing over coffee every morning. Maybe you and your friends look like this, but that stumped me for some years. These heart connections can come from unexpected places. They are your family. I’d rather have one heart connection like this than 20 friends who I stay on the surface with, especially as an HSP. As we set boundaries around communications with people where we are not our authentic selves or feel drained around we can have more room the people we feel best around. I think of myself like a happy puppy. There’s certain pups who I can’t wait to smell and almost tackle with my love. When you’re burned out, save it for the pups that fill your heart.

3. Yourself-You can also spend some time as you’d like to. We don’t all have our own room or space so time to yourself may be internal or it may be outdoors. For example, if there’s a place you feel energized by can you spend a bit of time there to recharge? Or are you craving meditation time to internally take time for you? Time in the way you want it does not have to be the Eurocentric images I think of when I think of self-care and burnout. Make it whatever you need it to be.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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How to be More Comfortable With Pleasure for Yourself

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Dear soft hearted loved ones,

I talk with so many people recovering from repressed and oppressed sexuality, especially regarding their own pleasure. Several people have been shamed not to touch themselves. Other groups of people have made children feel dirty or ashamed for safe and healthy masturbation. It is also perfectly okay for people not to have sexual interest too.

Sex releases helpful stuff like dopamine, oxytocin, and helps our immune systems. It is even said to light up the same parts of our brains as meditation. Ekhart Tolle’s The Power of Now even discussed sex to be a spiritual experience of connection (Here’s the book:https://bookshop.org/a/23992/9781577314806). Why not rock all that we know about sexual pleasure and the benefits to our hormones and spirituality to help us become more comfortable with masturbation?! If you’d like to know more about how to please yourself with less shame and more satisfaction keep reading for these three tips.

  1. Heal. Okay easier said than done. Healing old stories around religious or societal shame with sexual pleasure, especially sexual self-pleasure can be very helpful. You can also start to work healing where the psyche and physiological meet or the mind and body. You can uncover the oppressions of colorism, racism, and xenophobia. You can unpack trauma around your gender, body, or sexual traumas. You can give yourself pleasure in a safe setting and in the way that you want without having to tend to someone else’s needs and with less worry about how someone else perceives you or the sexual interaction. There’s so much layered into how we see our genitals, sexual needs, etc. If you can note what areas make you feel comfortable that can be a huge first step toward becoming more comfortable with self-pleasure. For example, if someone experienced religious oppression around sexuality, they can observe these thoughts come up for themselves, note these messages, and affirm or love on themselves. They can also work in therapy to address these wounds to gain more healing and feel touching themselves. Or perhaps their genitals do not align with their gender identity. They may explore what brings them pleasure and what are their boundaries, including what induces dysphoria for them. For some noting and observing the wounds around sexual pleasure can be helpful and for some this can uncover more work they want to do with a trusted psychologist. There are healing providers who can support your goals around feeling okay with who you are, including sexually.

2. Feel. Mindfulness can work wonders with pleasing yourself. If prayer and meditation are in your practice, you can use them now. You can meditate or set a quick intention right before you begin. You can use mindfulness to re-track your mind to the sensations in the moment. If you feel better with a clean, quiet space and can access that space, please do this for yourself. If you feel more relaxed with music or scents, go for it. If you prefer different temperatures you can run cold hands on your torso before you begin pleasuring yourself. If you prefer a slow start you may use your hands before using a toy. You can even explore new toys. Or you can explore nothing new and simply tap into the sensations by being present. Sometimes so much is going on in the world and our minds that we forget we can access a quieter more open part of ourselves internally. Another way to access that serenity within and consciousness is to relax part of the body. You may take a series of slow, long breaths and relax the abdomen or focus on imagining the tension in your pelvis melting into the bed/floor/wherever you are. Accessing physical release of tension can work wonders for the mind-body connection.

3. Deal. Make a no pressure deal with yourself. There are no constraints on whether you get aroused or not. Please let there be no pressure to orgasm. If we did that you may avoid seeking the pleasure you desire. Make a deal to yourself to be your own best lover by respecting your limits including your energy levels. For example, if your sex drive has decreased or you have a different sex drive level than a partner, let this be your time to have no pressure time with yourself. This can also be easier said than done.

I get it, and nonetheless connection to ourselves can help us improve this consciousness and get us some more of that oxytocin and dopamine. Reach out if you’d like to share how you intend to note and maybe even release an old story today. Sending you love this Friday and wishing you a moment of time in whatever way that looks for you.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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Compassion for Cycling Moods

Some folks have cycling of moods. Others cycle with the moon. Most of us have some natural cycling. This could be in the form of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), a bipolar spectrum disorder*, or ups and downs with certain hormones or hormone replacements. For example, some folks who are on hormone replacement therapy can track their cycle and notice it align with a friend’s cycle. Cycling is so natural that many people even cycle with the moon.

Cycling has been depicted in literature for centuries. Having depressive or manic cycles is nothing new. I often wonder how much trauma is associated with cycling. For example, you may have noticed your premenstrual symptoms worsen around the beginning of the pandemic. What a traumatic time for some. In general, people may notice some highs and lows as they try new things at this point in the pandemic. For example, some people are noticing feeling more disconnected or new racing thoughts as they engage with people more in-person. Don’t get me wrong, I’m forever grateful for being able to be vaccinated and there are several of my family members in Iran who may not be able to get vaccines. I also notice folks struggling with their mental health. It parallels something like getting help after a war. Folks are crawling out of the corner that kept them alive these last several months. They may need even more tender care than when the virus was at it’s peak. If you notice yourself having some ups and downs we can take into context what is happening right now and extend heaps of compassion.

I like to extend compassion to these parts of us that are up and down by noting what arises and then getting in touch with what the part is trying to express. For example, is there a part of you that is exhausted? Does she need tender words of affirmation? Does she need to be heard? Some examples of when this part needs to be heard are when we feel tired and sassy or when we wish our emotions were more aligned with the thing that happened. When you feel yourself have big feelings rather than man-splain or invalidate yourself, note that part of you begging, maybe even screaming inside to be heard and scared that we are abandoning ourselves or that someone will leave or reject us.

You can utilize components of internal family systems (IFS) therapy to first calm your nervous system. I do this through touching my hand to the skin over my heart and really feeling the temperature and texture here while love shines from my hands to my heart. If you feel safe and relaxed you can ask to talk with this inner part for a few moments. You can envision this part of you sitting on the couch and handing them a warm cup of tea or hot coco. You can ask this part of you what’s going on. You can listen attentively, even if the reaction is huge. In fact, when the reaction is big we can give that part of ourselves even more tenderness. I offer those parts even more love. Note that part and then invite this tender part of you to share what is happening through imagery. This can help us have even greater compassion for those ups and downs. If you’d like help finding someone to walk you through these imagery exercises feel free to reach out to me.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

*If you feel your bipolar disorder or other cycling is in need of assistance please do reach out and get the help you need.

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How to Affirm Your Gay or Trans Adolescent

Dear soft hearted loves,

I’ve been talking a lot with folks about how their family could’ve handled things more kindly when they found out their child was gay or trans (or sometimes we say LGBTQ standing for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer). I have the opportunity to serve folks healing from the wounds of society or someone emotionally, financially, or physically abandoning someone because they found out their child is LGBTQ. Some parents are doing a great job of navigating their grief, surprise, or adjusting to seeing their child differently. Some families are even reaching out and asking how they can be kind and helpful to their LGBTQ child. If you are reading this to help heal those old wounds for yourself or to help your teen, you’re doing a great job. I’m proud of you and I thank you. I’m hoping these direct affirmations can help caregivers to give that loving care to their child or adolescent. If you didn’t get these when you were younger I’m hoping we can have folks telling themselves these affirmations now.

It may go without saying, and I’ll still say it. It can be helpful to affirm your teen daily and without hurtful things to negate or confuse from the kind comments you said. For example, if I tell someone she can be herself and then I turn around and call her the “b” word these messages can get confused. Affirming daily can help your child build up a bank of affirmations perhaps strengthening the parent-child relationship and protecting them from traumas out there such as being misgendered. No being told you are whole in this moment as you are doesn’t stop the emotional bleeding of being misgendered, but it may help to know you have a nice parent to come home to. You can be the parent to your teen that you needed. Secret hint: You can be the inner loving parent to yourself now that you always needed. These affirmations are a great start to reparenting yourself and parenting your child.

And hey, if you are skeptical about affirmations I was too. Please read Dr. LaTrice Dowtin’s article on affirmations to learn more about how affirmations can really work even when they may seem annoying or ineffective: https://www.playfulleighpsyched.com/post/why-arent-affirmations-working-for-me

The more authentically you, the better. Please use the following affirmations in your own words:

This is a hard time and in this moment you are safe.

All of you is welcome here.

I know you are trying.

I love you.

You are lovable.

You are everything I want you to be.

I see you.

I may not get it, and I’m here walking through this with you.

You are enough.

You are whole as you are.

Another way to affirm their being is to use a word they love. For example, I recently heard someone who identifies as a butch lesbian who said they love to be called “dude.” Someone else told me she loved to be called “honey.” Another person shared she wanted to be called “mija.” We can literally affirm one another’s presence with the use of a mindful, intentional word.

You can also validate your adolescent’s appearance by saying:

I notice you really enjoying the way your hair looks now.

I see you smile when you put cologne on rather than perfume.

I see you light up when I use they/them pronouns.

There are so many ways we can love on teens going through navigating their intersecting and developing identities. If you read this article you are already part of the solution and I appreciate anyone trying to help people feel more comfortable in this world. Let’s use a kind word with someone today.

With love,

Dr. Joharchi

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Healing From Perfectionism

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Dear soft hearted loves,

Does perfectionism continue to block you from being you? Does perfectionism exhaust you? Or perhaps you feel you are so far from perfect that perfectionism can’t be an issue for you.

The inner critic who lives in perfectionism may attack your performance, work, eating, or other things you do or services you provide. Rigidly holding onto a high standard may even hold you back from being able to complete a project on time. For example, perhaps a person was only given attention when they cleaned perfectly or did assignments perfectly. If we grew up with a love deficit or attention limited household some of us may give up on trying to be perfect or try super super hard to get more love through being perfect. Therefore,I honor all parts of us who feel pulled to perfectionism. We can affirm, give ourselves a break, or highlight our contributions.

The perfectionist may have gotten us out of getting yelled at as a child or may have even served you in adulthood. For example, my perfectionistic inner critic helped me graduate graduate schools and go on to serve many patients. However, it no longer serves me well to believe the messages of this rigid little perfectionist within. In fact, the perfectionist could correlate with burn out or resentment. For example, someone may feel driven to accept all the clients their boss refers to them only to end up exhausted, with compassion fatigue, and annoyed with the boss and themselves for having accepted the clients.

In order to heal from perfectionism I’d want us to have discernment between what’s perfectionism and what’s reality. The chatter in our mind may sound like chatter, but through meditation or gently observing and witnessing our own thoughts we may notice a charge, heaviness, or racing feeling. We may notice thoughts pressuring us to be “just right,” that we aren’t doing or being enough, or that we are not performing perfectly. Said voice needs to be acknowledged from helping us get praise, helping us survive, and helping us get more love. We can go back to our inner child or utilize internal family systems to discover what this part of us did when we were younger.

When I drive home from work I give myself the praise I would’ve wanted. I briefly inventory my interactions in my mind. I praise myself for times I was supportive, compassionate, present, and did something helpful rather than harmful. This allows me to obtain the love I seek from within. May we acknowledge this arising, gain discernment to know the difference between our truth and perfectionism, and give ourselves what we need.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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How to Navigate Inner Parts and Gender

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Dear soft hearted loves,

Do you remember when we learned about the seven different types of inner critics from expert, Maryam Fallahi? You can review the different types in Maryam Fallahi’s article seen here if you’d like: https://softheartpsychology.com/?p=161

I want to share about the phenomenon of the inner critics attacking our identities, specifically gender identity. Given that I’m a cisgender woman I cannot speak to Transgender and nonbinary folx experiences. And as the psychologist for a county’s gender clinic and as someone who cares about bringing this work into her private practice I want to discuss using components of internal family systems (IFS) with gender diverse people for psychologists.

Sometimes a part of people can come up and say they are not enough, especially as it pertains to gender. For example, a transwoman may have a part of her criticize that she is not woman enough or not Trans enough. This is different and sometimes intersecting with messages she may have heard growing up or from hateful, dangerous people in society. Sometimes another part can tell a person to fit a mold or that they aren’t being themselves in the “right” way. Essentially, I’ll hear clients in a beautiful path of transition have a hurtful part of themselves (like an inner bully, protector part, or inner critical parent) come up and say some of the meanest stuff. This part knows what buttons to push and which part of our identities to destroy. For example, as an Iranian American and White person, sometimes my inner critic comes up to tell me I’m not Iranian American enough and fit no where. There’s no use in battling back with this part of me. If you’ve ever tried to disprove or battle with these parts you may know that even if you “win” the battle this time, the inner parts will continue to be in tension and conflict, perhaps gaining even more momentum.

The most effective way to approach these inner conflicting parts has been to acknowledge where they come from and to observe them as the inner critic (or inner protector, wounded child, etc.). Understanding that a part of us is attacking our very identity can help this protective part of us be heard. Yes, I said protective. How can such hurtful attacks be protective? Well these parts of a person may arise to protect us from being rejected or abandoned. This may be especially true for folks who experienced emotional neglect, dysfunction in the family, abuse, and oppression. It is understandable that if I’m working with a trans client they may experience a part of them saying hurtful comments parallel to a change, fatigue, stress, oppression, hunger, or other shifts in their life such as right after hormone replacement therapy or before a family gathering. It can be difficult to note the inner critic is arising and may be trying to help the person mold to society. Or perhaps an inner part is trying to get the person to be so perfect that they won’t be abandoned or rejected. Once we acknowledge this is where that part of us is coming from sometimes the part can soften just knowing they’ve been heard.

Sometimes that part might need some soothing. I trust that the folks I serve have ways of soothing that serve them well and if they don’t we have so many cool options to explore such as taking a walk in the sun, cooking a favorite meal, listening to soothing music, compassionately putting their hands on their face, affirming they will not abandon themselves to the best of their ability, or simply hugging themselves.

I will also say it has been a bit triggering for some folks to imagine parts of their inner psyche because they may imagine their inner child in the gender they were born into and not their gender now or they may imagine an inner critic as a parent of a gender that brings them dysphoria. For example a woman imagining she is screaming at herself, but the image is her dad and this could ignite dysphoria. We can evoke any image we want or need. I can remember my inner child as the sweet girl who just wanted to play rather than the girl who was in trouble at school. We can work to reframe memories into the inner child that feels most aligned with a client’s current gender. This may change from session to session so we want to rely on the client’s words and names for themselves each time.

While I have no idea what it is like to be born into a body that doesn’t align with who I am, I want to say integrating internal family systems work into my gender affirming practice has changed my life and those I serve. We have an opportunity to support and heal through listening to the parts of us craving to be seen and heard. These parts have been stuffed, abandoned, and numbed for years and sometimes generations. If these parts have been oppressed or harmed by society I’m sending all these parts and all of you extra tenderness and love. We have the love within to access this healing.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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How to Hold Onto Moments of Joy

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Dear Soft Hearted Loves,

Life can be so weird and hard sometimes that a moment of joy can be something we really want to revel in. I have two suggestions on how to let the joy sink in deeply. Practicing authentic gratitude and creating a reel of other’s appreciation can be just what we need.

Authentic Gratitude

It can be difficult to practice gratitude when we’re feeling down or grieving. Gratitude can come from an authentic place by reflecting on what you’re grateful for and why you’re grateful for this person, thing or experience. For example, rather than saying you’re grateful for a roof over your head you might say something more specific and include your why such as “I’m grateful to live in a sober home with locks because it makes me feel safe.” Or you might write, “I’m grateful for the feeling of the sun on my chest in this moment because it makes me know I’m okay and part of a bigger plan.” Again, there are things or people who you may be grateful for and it can expand the joy to share it with them too. So if you catch a couple of the gratitudes you wrote down being about someone you love or work with, consider letting them know. Imagine what it’d feel like to hear that someone wrote about your work, cooking, presence, listening, or something else. This allows you to feel your reality to it’s fullest extent with both validation for the moments of suffering and fully experiencing the moments of joy by sharing them with someone you trust.

Praise Reel

You can also take a few minutes to reflect on what has felt affirming or praiseful in your life. Has someone recently expressed appreciation? Do you have a friend who tells you kind things about yourself? Do you have a client who really appreciates your work? Put together a few of these experiences in your mind. You can write/record them if that helps or you can create your own acronym to help you remember. Then come back to this on a regular basis so you can breath in the praise. This is a sweet gift we can give ourselves. Sometimes the inner critic comes in and while we don’t want to argue with her we do want to give ourselves a gentleness break with some praise and appreciation when we can. Practicing the praise reel often better assures that we can come back to it in a time of stress and need.

Feeling your feelings to the best of your ability can be hard for a variety of reasons. If we can better experience our joy moments to the fullest then we can welcome the full experience of life. Sometimes I have fear the joy will go away. That’s okay too. In fact it’s pretty common to worry that joy will escape us quickly when in reality all feelings will come and go like rain being soaked into the Earth and come back up again. Wishing you many sweet rainy, sunshiny days ahead.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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How to Transform from Toxic Positivity to Presence

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Dear Soft Hearted Loves,

I’m a reformed toxic positivity user or a transforming ex-Pollyanna. My dear friend once brought it to my attention that it was invalidating when I would highlight the positive when she was sharing what was going on for her. After years of trying to see the bright side I had to check what was coming up for me that I’d steer conversations from the present to highlighting the positive. This can be dangerously invalidating even when we have the best of intentions. This is not to say that I don’t still love practicing gratitude and affirmations. Toxic positivity is different and can be very hurtful.

I did not want my friend to police her sharing with me. I wanted my friend to share freely so I began my transformation from toxic positivity to more and more presence. I then learned that not only can it be invalidating but it can also burry and numb my true feelings and disconnect me from the present moment. Here are a few ways you can come more and more into the moment and move into connectedness if you’d like.

  1. Observe obsessive thoughts, wanting to make it better, or wishing they’d do something differently when listening to someone share. You can witness your own thoughts like thoughts passing on a stream without judgment if they’re sharing something that hurts them or makes you sad. Wow this is so much easier said than done, but it’s been like a psychological muscle for me. The more we witness obsessive thoughts the less we try to transform these thoughts into something else or shame ourselves for these thoughts. Cognitively, it is impossible to control our first, automatic thought. Therefore, take note when your mind is going the person you are listening to. We do not want to control people or make them feel like they aren’t enough so simply listen and witness your passing thoughts unless they want something else from you.
  2. If you notice a feeling of sadness or heaviness in your body you can give yourself compassion through touch or another soothing avenue for you. For me, I tend to put one or two hands on my heart or gentle rub just below my collar bone when listening deeply in the moment. If that’s too distracting you can put one hand gently on the other to soothe yourself as you listen.
  3. If you’ve listened so deeply, witnessed protectively distracting thoughts, and soothed yourself into the moment please know it’s also okay to put a limit to it. It is actually more honest and authentic if we limit our listening instead of overextending ourselves. When we listen past our limit we may develop resentments, feel overwhelmed, push down a part of ourselves that has a need, or miss a spot for healing. For example, if I’m listening intently to a friend for an hour I may notice I am not able to keep this up authentically. I may ask to end the conversation for now and return tomorrow with rested and invigorated presence. True friends of mine understand this isn’t personal and it is simply about being awake to what I need and how I can be more of an available person to the world. Not everyone knows what they need and that’s okay. Actually, we are taught for the most part to suppress our needs. For example, in my father’s side of the family we are taught to bring tea to the men and older people after a meal when we may actually need rest in that moment or something else. I believe there’s a lot of intersecting complexity to this boundaries thing. Most of all caring for yourself will allow you to transform from throwing in positive reflections or trying to control someone’s perspective. Boundaries can help you be more and more present and available. When I feel badly about setting a boundary I acknowledge that and I also remind myself I’m not being honest and authentic when I push myself way past my limits.

Please comment on your journey toward presence and away from toxic positivity if you’re called to do so.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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How to Validate Your Experiences

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Dear Soft Hearted Loves,

My dear sweet one, do you find yourself loving on others only to forget to validate yourself? Do you find yourself Pollyanna-ing and being super positive only to bypass your own feelings? Stuffing our feelings or engaging in toxic positivity may have once done the job. If these ways no longer serve you you’ll find three tips on how to validate your own experiences.

  1. Write it out. Move it out. Whatever you do please just get it out no matter how embarrassing it is or how much you wish you didn’t feel that anger, jealousy, or resentment. If you’re not sure what “it” is that’s totally understandable too. Get it out one on one without giving it or dumping it on someone. Don Miguel Ruiz talks about how we can be sure to not spew our emotional poison on to others if we take a beat and check in with ourselves.
  2. Talk to your inner child. Take a few deep breaths and ground yourself in your wisest, kindest place. If you feel safe and grounded you can go back to a time when you were younger and maybe went through something similar. For example, if you’re angry with a boss you may be able to trace this back to a moment of feeling fear of abandonment when you were younger. Go back to that memory and give little you what she needed back then (a shoulder to cry on, an affectionate hug, or just someone to listen, tell her she understands, and tell her she’s a good girl). Reach out to me for a deeper dive into this sort of work utilizing internal family systems (IFS).
  3. Talk with a super trustworthy person about it. Tell your best friend, sister, or mentor. Tell someone who won’t shame you or elicit toxic positivity. Once you’ve acknowledged what you’re feeling and given yourself and your inner parts validation it can be helpful to share it with a trusted person. You can ask them for what you need too. For example if you want them to just listen or prefer they brainstorm solutions be sure to ask them for the type of listening you need.

I’m proud of you for exploring a new way of emotional expression. We don’t have to hold it in, let it boil within, or release emotional poison onto others. We also no longer have to stuff and numb ourselves. There’s another way to hear ourselves out that feels honoring and authentic.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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How to Divide the Chores

Dear soft hearted loves,

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Whether you’re a mother-son-grandchild trio, husband-husband romantic partnership, or any other type of relational dynamic the household duties are likely divided. If you’re feeling the weight of the household duties heavy on you keep reading because there is so much hope for this to change for you starting today. You’ll get a few tips from this blog on how to approach chores in your home.

What comes up for you?

If you’re feeling passive aggressive, resentful or angry it’s okay to gently, non-shamefully examine what’s coming up for you around the division of chores in the home. It can be helpful to create some internal boundaries around sticking to the topic of chores and not overgeneralizing to all things. I know; easier said than done right?!

You can assess where your reaction is coming from. Did you grow up in a home with complete disorder and you craved bumpers on the bowling lane? Did you grow in a rigid, perfectionistic home where you felt suffocated by all of the rules? Or perhaps the reaction is coming from a more recent situation in your life. Dynamics are ever changing within cultures, genders, and related to financial and home obligations. What does this look like for you today? Has anything changed in your home with chores since the virus?

When you assess where it comes from you can then give yourself tender reassurance, validation, and loving kindness. For some this might be a hug, a cry, or perhaps nondominant hand writing with your inner child reassuring her that no matter what happens you’re listening to her and not abandoning her. (Feel free to reach out and let me know if you want to know more about this inner child stuff my dear one).

What can you do about it now?

So often we don’t know what someone else in the household is doing. This means we do not know the full extent of their contribution to the home. This is not to dismiss your experience. I’m simply illuminating that most people believe they are doing more in the home than the other person in the home thinks they are doing. It can be difficult to come to the chores discussion without shame and blame so not only is it helpful to look at the data (meaning that they are likely contributing more than you see) it also helps to highlight what you do see them doing. We are also generally more receptive to feedback when our contributions are highlighted rather than simply being hit with criticism.

It can also be helpful to ask about a time to discuss the chore division. Sometimes we assume the other party is ready to discuss division of labor when we’re ready. Perhaps they too need reflection time or maybe today was a hard day for them and they can discuss tomorrow.

In the meantime do all the loving care you need to in order to care for that sweet inner child we mentioned earlier. The inner child is within and craving your attention whether or not the laundry is done. The more validation and love you give yourself the more likely you’ll be equipped to exude that same energy.

Communication pants?

Yes, you’ve got that correct! Put your nicest “communication pants” on. I’m not going to say what that looks like for you because everyone is different. Your pants may have reflection pockets whereas someone else’s pants may have “I feel” statement pockets. Some people’s pants may have nonviolent communication fringe. Other folks may have affection while talking it out belt loops. Anyway, you get my point. Bring your kindest, most effective communication skills to the table. All this stuff is generally easier said than done. If you give it a try please know that it may take a few tries given we don’t always change the first time.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

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How to Love on Your Inner Defender

Dear Soft Hearted People,

Maryam Fallahi is our international expert and life coach working on things such as  life planning, behavior change, habit formation, self sabotaging behavior, etc. She’s back as a guest blogger with a very skillful article on our inner defender. She utilizes a lot of this Internal Family Systems (IFS) stuff you hear me talking about. Please reach out to her for coaching support on your inner defenders or post a comment if you’d like to express yourself here. You can email Maryam for a coaching session at: fallahi.choicecoach@gmail.com

With kindness,

Dr. J

What’s the Inner Defender?

Hi. I am back! Today I want to introduce you to a new part of our psyche—the inner defender.

The inner defender gets activated in response to our inner critic. It’s job is to defend our dignity ; to preserve our integrity; and to keep our self-esteem intact. Where the inner critic attacks, criticizes, and compares, the inner defender fights back, it demands the critic to be quiet and stop its attacks. For instance, If the inner critic calls us lazy, it argues it that we are not lazy. It the inner critic thinks we are fat, it tells it to get lost. It tries to get rid of our inner critic or expel it from our psyche to no avail.  Even though our inner defender is our sweet internal rescuer, it cannot save us because it too is a child part. Consider the following scenario where two fifth graders (Abdol and Joseph) are fighting on the playground:

Joseph- You are so stupid.

Abdol- I’m not stupid.

Joseph- Oh, you are!

Abdol – I will show you who is stupid (defends himself).

 The problem is in arguing with the inner critic not only do we lose a tremendous amount of energy but also the fact that we are arguing with the inner critic dignifies whatever it is saying and shows the power it has over our psyche. The fifth grader fights his class mate because first of all he sees him as  a threat and secondly he is convinced he can protect himself by getting Joseph to respect him. On the other hand, if the fifth grader knew that there was not a slightest chance he could win the fight he would have refrained from fighting and instead surrendered believing the bully—actually this is exactly what our criticized child does. So, where the criticized child is our injured child part, the inner defender is our strong child part. The problem is as strong as the attacked fifth grader sees himself, he cannot get his classmate to stop yelling this way.

In order to stop the fight we need some kind of an intervention from someone in a higher stage of development. Let’s say a compassionate teacher to talk with attacker, Joseph in this situation. The teacher would empathize and then investigate to see where the bully is coming from.

After assessing the situation, the teacher might explain to the child that the only person he has power over is himself. Maybe they could start by talking to Joseph first and trying to be compassionate. Maybe it is just to ignore him, shake his insults off and instead working on his own goals and strengths. On the other hand, the  wise and protective teacher might talk to Joseph and try to get him to empathize with Abdol and understand him.  It is important to note that this intervention will work if the teacher have been able to establish a secure and trusting relationship with the kids. And this is exactly what we need to do with our parts.

How can we help?

We have to intervene from a part of us—the self who is more mature, has advanced development compared to the inner defender and the inner critic, and who feels calm, safe and compassionate in their body. The self is kind , wise, trusting and curious. It really is interested in getting to know Joseph and Abdol ( our inner critic and inner defender). It cares about their well-being. It genuinely wants to hear their feelings, their needs, etc. For instance maybe then our inner critic part confides in us that it is attempting to dodge abandonment or rejection through these hurtful remarks. Maybe the inner defender tells us that he thinks the inner critic is so rude and threatens everybody. This is exactly the kind of conversation you would want to have with your inner parts as well. You need to talk to them from such a loving, mature and trusting place that they tell you everything about their inner state, their memories, their fears, their concerns, etc.

Only then you would be able to work with them to come up with a creative solution so everybody is happy and safe. For instance, you could tell the inner critic that it is hurting the criticized child and this is why the inner defender is concerned. You could also tell the inner defender that even though his intention is precious his efforts will only provoke the inner critic to fight back with more heat.

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How to Find A Therapist Who Helps You Feel Safe

If you found your way to this article, then it is likely you are in search of a therapist for either you, your child, or your family. Finding a therapist can be challenging when you are not quite sure what to look for or what to expect from the interactions. Your search may be further complicated by the fact that you are unsure of what you can ask a potential therapist and what kind of answers you can expect. This post is designed to help make the process a little more streamlined and helpful for you as you navigate finding a therapist that is a good fit for you.

Most private practice therapists will offer an initial consultation where you get to meet or talk to the potential therapist of your choice. This session tends to be under 30 minutes, is free, and is scheduled at a time that works best for you and the therapist. The free consultation appointment serves two purposes: 1) the therapist wants to gage if they will be able to work with you, and 2) you need to determine if the therapist is someone with whom you connect. This second is the most important of the appointment. Think of this as a double-sided interview! You are interviewing your therapist. 

What to Look for on the Therapist’s Profile or Website

Remember that you only have about 15 to 20 minutes to meet with each potential therapist. During that time, the mental health person will also have a few basic questions that they will want answered. That means you should come prepared. There are some general bits of information that all therapists will have on their websites. You should think of therapist websites as a way to get to know the therapist that you are looking to meet. Set aside time to click on as many of their tabs that it takes for you to decide whether you want to reach out to the person. Let this be the first wave of filtering through the sea of therapists in your area. This is a very important step because research shows that the relationship between you and your therapist is the critical piece that will help determine if therapy will be beneficial for you. So, here are some foundational things that you want to look for on a therapist website. 

  • What are their fees? – This helps you figure out if you can afford them.
  • How long are sessions? – Typical sessions are between 45 and 60 minutes for individual sessions. 
  • What are their hours and days of operation? – If you have scheduling needs, the therapist will not be able to change their operating hours to accommodate your schedule. Therefore, you would need to find someone who has hours that meet your needs. 
  • What licenses do they hold? – Check to see if they are licensed for therapy or if they are a life coach. Counseling and coaching are different. Therapists can coach, but legally, coaches can’t counsel. 
  • What types of clients do they see in their practice? – While some therapists see people with a wide variety of healing points, most therapists specialize in a couple areas. You’ll be looking to see if the therapist lists the areas that you most want to discuss. 
  • What modality of therapy do they provide (e.g., in-person, teletherapy, phone sessions, or a combination of them)?

Do Therapist Identities Matter?

So far, we have discussed the basics, except not really. Something that is often missing from therapist profiles is how they identify. In my opinion, therapists tend to spend too much time telling visitors who they serve, and not enough about who they are. This is not our fault, most of us were trained from a colorblind approach, which is rooted in racism, and many of us were trained to work as experts, (yep, that’s paternalism). However, it is our responsibility to do the work to decolonize our learning and its effect on you. The truth is that yes, therapists are highly skilled and well-educated on topics of mental health. We know how to join journeys and work with people to help meet their emotional health healing needs. However, the notion of expertise sometimes takes away your autonomy and stifles your capacity for insight development. Equally powerful, therapists who have not yet started doing their own internal work to face their internalized harmful beliefs (e.g., racism, audism, gender bias, xenophobia, transphobia, etc.), may be providing you with approaches that were never designed for you. Therefore, when you are on a therapist website or profile, it may be a good idea for you to see how the therapist describes themself. 

  • Do they identify their race?
  • Do they share any of their identities? 
  • Can you tell where they stand on topics related to social justice?
  • Is there any mention of them doing ongoing work to decolonize their practice? – The keyword is “ongoing” and is important regardless of the therapist’s race and intersecting identities because this work is never ending. 

If all of these questions are answered on the mental health therapist’s website and their responses are aligned with what is appropriate for you, then it’s time for you to prepare for your consultation. If some of these questions have been left unanswered, then you can decide if you want to ask them at your appointment or if you want to continue looking for someone else. 

How Can I Ask Taboo Questions?

You may be wondering if there are questions that you can’t ask at the initial consultation session. Keep in mind that you can ask any questions that you want. At the same time, the therapist has the right to decide whether or how to answer the question. Some therapists welcome semi-personal questions while others do not. Therapists who want to remain private, may be engaging in the healthy practice of setting and maintaining boundaries. Therapy is very intimate, and sometimes when you know too much about a therapist, you may feel that they are your friend instead of a professional who is there to support you. Friendship is reciprocal in the emotional care labor, therapy is not. This means that with your friends, you are there for them on their emotional rollercoasters and they are there for you on yours. However, you should never be on your therapist’s emotional rollercoaster. 

Anyway, when formulating questions to ask during the initial consultation, determine why you want to know a specific answer. The why, will help you rethink how to get the information. For example, if you are a parent, you may wonder if the therapist has children. Why do you want to know that? It is likely because you want to know that you will feel understood, but whether a therapist has children does not necessarily mean that they will understand your parenting needs. There is another way to ask that question and get a more in-depth view into how the therapist works. Below you will find a chart with a few examples, that are not exhaustive, to explain this concept a little more. 

Instead of Asking ThisConsider Why Try This
Do you have children?You really want to know whether your therapist will understand you.How do I know you will be able to understand my parenting needs?
Are you into ethical non monogamy or polyamory?You may be curious about being negatively judged.Tell me how you approach working with people who are in poly relationships.
Are you married?You are exploring the therapist relationship values according to religious or legal standards.Marriage is ___ to me. What is your experience working with clients who share this belief?
Are you religious?You may want to know if you will have to teach your therapist about your religion or you are trying to avoid having religion in the sessions. What role does religion play in your therapeutic approach?
Have you ever been…You might be trying to figure out if the therapist has a shared experience that is important to you. I have felt invalidated or alone in some of my experiences, what might emotional validation look like in a session with you?

Ready to Start The Search

Let’s review the major takeaways for this article. 

  • Carefully review therapist websites and profiles.
  • Be critical when reviewing websites to see if they are transparent about some of the basics.
  • Therapists identities matter. 
  • The consultation is for you both of you to determine if you can work together.
  • Come prepared with 3 to 5 questions. You may only have time for a couple of them, but three is a good base number. 
  • Think about the why when preparing to ask questions of the mental health professional.

I know that finding a therapist who meets your needs can be challenging. Once you know what you are looking for, it can be just a little bit easier. I hope that this article helps you find your next therapist to join you on your journey. 

Remember to take a moment to play a little today. You deserve it. 

PlayfulLeigh (pronounced playfully),

Dr. Dowtin

Follow Dr. Dowtin on Instagram (@PlayfulLeigh_Psyched) and Twitter (@PlayfulLeigh) to continue this conversation!

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Anxious Attachment Desert

Dear Soft Hearted Loves,

I’d like to discuss the phenomenon when anxiously attached folks find that love and it feels like chilled water in the deepest, driest desert.

The book, Attached: The New Science and how it can Help you Find- and Keep- Love, discussed the literature on attachment styles and how there are more avoidant attachment style folks in the dating pool because things sometimes don’t work out with them as often. You may know avoidant attachment styles to be scared, emotionally unavailable (EU), fuck boys, or those hot and cold folks that feel confusing. They leave or are left more often than their non-avoidant attachment style counterparts and are therefore often who people date, including anxiously attached people. When an anxious attachment style person matches with someone who can meet their needs they may feel completely enthralled or fall for them quickly. This quick to fall for thing is part of folks who are anxiously, or at least partly anxiously attached (such as people who have anxious-avoidant attachment style).

If we go imagine a baby who is anxiously attached crying and paired with an EU care giver it is kind of sad. Now, if we imagine the sweet little baby getting their cries met with tender, gentle attentiveness then we can see how the anxiously attached adult is not that different. When the adult finally connects with that person who sees them and can express reassurance (with boundaries of course) it can feel like that delicious cup of water in the dry, hot desert. Ahhh, finally! It is truly amazing when we can be our own partners and give ourselves just what we need. It is also helpful to know how to weed out some of the people who may trigger our childhood wounds rather than support us on our healing paths.

When anxiously attached folks have this water in the desert experience it is not unexpected. Folks may feel they are on fire when they’re falling for someone. This is sometimes when I get the pleasure of working with someone in therapy around the wounds that feel ignited by being interested in someone. They may have a partner who is able to be attentive and still feel triggered. Or they may be leaving a relationship that did not provide them with what they needed. If we go back to the sweet little baby crying example we can have compassion for whatever comes up for the anxiously or anxiously-avoidant attached person is experiencing. It is all okay.

Attached: The New Science and how it can Help you Find- and Keep- Love discusses ways in which folks can spot an avoidant attachment style person and what to do if you are one or need help with that. I believe it is empowering to know that while we may not be able to pair up all the sweet little babies with their appropriately matched attachment style caregiver, we can help them side step repeating this pattern over and over in sex and romance. We can work internally to give ourselves what we need and learn to stop this pattern through trauma healing and discernment of attachment styles.

Check out the book Attached here.

With kindness,

Dr. J

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Accept, Empower and a Full Moon

Dear soft hearted loves,

How can we accept an issue or suffering in our lives? Isn’t this just giving up?

Acceptance of an area of suffering can then empower us to not pass that wound down to future generations or our own internal families. If you’re like “what’s she talking about with this internal family stuff” please check out blogs below on internal family systems (IFS). IFS helps us access parts of us that critique ourselves to protect from others criticizing, rejecting, or leaving us, our sweet inner child, and other internal parts of ourselves. When we can acknowledge what parts of us need we access more presence, inner wisdom, and that quiet that is within us already.

It is understandable to find it difficult to accept the pains and strains we may experience. For example, if someone struggles with codependency and continues to over extend themselves it may be hard to look at that pattern. I can’t speak for IFS, but it’s my experience as a clinical psychologist and as a human that this codependency pattern didn’t start with you. We would want someone to take note of ways in which the pattern or suffering is impacting their internal or external life. For example, does the pattern or suffering drain your energy, spiritual life, money, or connectedness? Do you get quick spikes in energy from the behavior only to see you don’t have enough space later? Do you notice yourself lashing out, feeling depleted or resentful, or disconnected with others more than you’d like to? A gentle, and honest look at how something serves us can open the path to healing. And it’s not always easy because sometimes we needed a bout of codependency or workaholism to help us get through a hard time such as being a provider during the pandemic.

If we notice that the pattern is creating suffering we can then thank the parts of us that showed up in these ways to shield or connect us with people as best as we could at that time. Perhaps we felt we needed to have people need us in order to win attention. Or perhaps we needed to be super helpful so someone in the family could get more medical help, to avoid getting yelled at, or so we could escape seeing someone else hurt. Whatever the reason, there’s a purpose for the pattern and it may go back intergenerationally.

It can provide validation to your inner child to name it and to not perpetuate this cycle internally and with generations to come. It’s far more empowering to name the suffering than to pretend it’s still serving us well. It’s empowering to look at this stuff because then we can pick up this pattern and name it. Easier said than done. And the pattern may have grey area, especially over time.

Empowering

Whether the pattern is unhelpful codependency, obsessive thoughts, perfectionism, or something else, when we spot it we have so much spaciousness from there. If codependency is the pattern causing suffering and we are able to validate our inner child and acknowledge this issue then we have tools to do differently moving forward. We can talk with a peer working on the same stuff, attend therapy tailored toward trauma healing, go to a 12 step program, write about it, sing about it, etc. We then have open space to heal these wounds. This is the beauty and gratitude of my work. I get to work with folks who say “this thing in my life no longer serves me” and we can honor that part of their story and work on loving themselves, boundaries, imagery, and healing to do differently for their internal family and future generations.

Releasing

So wait, where does the full moon come into play here? There’s a full moon this weekend. If there’s a pattern you’d like to release, this is the time to do it. Acceptance and then setting intentionality around releasing an old pattern may help us do better next time, especially around the full moon. This is a time when some believe that old patterns can be released. Feel free to reach out if you’d like to share what you’re going to release this full moon or if you want support on this journey of uncovering and transforming: drjoharchi@softheartpsychology.com

With kindness,

Dr. J

Photo by Frank Cone on Pexels.com

Getting Yourself Back

Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com

Dear Soft Hearted Loves,

I have the pleasure of serving so many wonderful people who have this kindness to them that can sometimes be a “blessing and a curse.” Sometimes folks will come to me because they are traumatized from work as a fellow healer, or because they overextend themselves with codependency or people pleasing, or perhaps because they lose themselves in giving to others. How can you be there for others and still for yourself? One prayer I adapted from a friend is to please help me be kind to all (all includes myself without being individualistic).

I don’t want to prescribe self-care where people abandon the people and communities they love. I don’t want to shatter parts of people that may have helped them survive. For example, if you grew up in a home where your siblings had special needs you may have had to people please and help a ton to get love and attention.

When people come to me with people pleasing or codependency I honor those parts for all they did to help themselves and others. We then acknowledge how it no longer serves them. Is listening to others making it hard to sleep? Do you feel sore in your heart space or tightness in your shoulders or forehead from carrying stress? Do you feel overly protective of someone in your gut? What and where does it impact you? Or perhaps it is more concrete and impacting your money or time.

Once we thank the behavior for what it did bring we can take note of what it doesn’t give now. Then we can work to add more of what the person truly needs in their life. Perhaps they desire to attend a dance class or walk through a nature spot alone. Maybe they want new shoes instead of buying everyone else new shoes. Or maybe the person desires to silence their phone automatically past 8 pm every night. Whatever the person needs to get back to their authentic self is okay. Our authentic selves don’t need things like self-harm behaviors so it is okay to explore what you authentically want without fear it’ll put you into debt or destroy your body or spirit. The quiet, calm authentic self is waiting for you, patiently.

In summary:

  1. Why do you have this people pleasing thing in the first place?
  2. Thank it.
  3. Give yourself what you need. Your oxygen for the community’s oxygen.

For all you reforming people pleasers, the cool thing is that when we get more back to ourselves we actually have more energies left for ourself and others! I know it’s cliche, but as a psychologist I find time and time again that our own oxygen mask must be on to help others get their oxygen too.

With kindness,

Dr. Joharchi

Anxious Attachment Desert

Dear Soft Hearted Loves,

I’d like to discuss the phenomenon when anxiously attached folks find that love and it feels like chilled water in the deepest, driest desert.

The book, Attached: The New Science and how it can Help you Find- and Keep- Love, discussed the literature on attachment styles and how there are more avoidant attachment style folks in the dating pool because things sometimes don’t work out with them as often. You may know avoidant attachment styles to be scared, emotionally unavailable (EU), fuck boys, or those hot and cold folks that feel confusing. They leave or are left more often than their non-avoidant attachment style counterparts and are therefore often who people date, including anxiously attached people. When an anxious attachment style person matches with someone who can meet their needs they may feel completely enthralled or fall for them quickly. This quick to fall for thing is part of folks who are anxiously, or at least partly anxiously attached (such as people who have anxious-avoidant attachment style).

If we go imagine a baby who is anxiously attached crying and paired with an EU care giver it is kind of sad. Now, if we imagine the sweet little baby getting their cries met with tender, gentle attentiveness then we can see how the anxiously attached adult is not that different. When the adult finally connects with that person who sees them and can express reassurance (with boundaries of course) it can feel like that delicious cup of water in the dry, hot desert. Ahhh, finally! It is truly amazing when we can be our own partners and give ourselves just what we need. It is also helpful to know how to weed out some of the people who may trigger our childhood wounds rather than support us on our healing paths.

When anxiously attached folks have this water in the desert experience it is not unexpected. Folks may feel they are on fire when they’re falling for someone. This is sometimes when I get the pleasure of working with someone in therapy around the wounds that feel ignited by being interested in someone. They may have a partner who is able to be attentive and still feel triggered. Or they may be leaving a relationship that did not provide them with what they needed. If we go back to the sweet little baby crying example we can have compassion for whatever comes up for the anxiously or anxiously-avoidant attached person is experiencing. It is all okay.

Attached: The New Science and how it can Help you Find- and Keep- Love discusses ways in which folks can spot an avoidant attachment style person and what to do if you are one or need help with that. I believe it is empowering to know that while we may not be able to pair up all the sweet little babies with their appropriately matched attachment style caregiver, we can help them side step repeating this pattern over and over in sex and romance. We can work internally to give ourselves what we need and learn to stop this pattern through trauma healing and discernment of attachment styles.

Check out the book Attached here.

With kindness,

Dr. J