For years now I’ve heard parents claim the one thing they want for their child is “to be happy.” Emotional peace and wealth is what I often hear people refer to as their goal for themselves too. There are long stretches of time when all I did was focus on my goals and I felt pretty satisfied. Maybe lonely at times, but generally fulfilled in so many ways that I remember feeling my life was rich with fulfillment. These were times after break ups. I’d feel distraught and my inner child would feel lost, scared and alone. And then maybe a couple of years later after some weird decisions, and then some healing, I’d feel a general sense of me-ness.
I’d spend a couple of more years in this space of learning more about me and focusing on my career goals, physical and spiritual activity, and finding out what I like. There are other things besides relationships that can certainly take us away from the moment though of course. For example, work, a sad or lonely part of us, any obsession, or stuck grief and trauma. We can have backed up grief that is stuck in our body because no one said you can feel it fully or because it felt better in the moment to push it down. We can focus so intently on our jobs to pay the bills or to level up that we don’t see ourselves. Much like my unhealthy relationship patterns in the past, we have many other ways that have us doing rather than being. Have you heard of a human-doing rather than a human-being?
I now believe that we can have these periods of big introspective wealth and exploration within a relationship too. I think the co-dependent reliance on someone and then the feeling of free fall afterward doesn’t have to spark my inner tending to and exploring. I truly believe that a kind and gentle match that is interdependent can allow for people to have richness throughout the course of their relationship. A relationship is really just a reflection of our experience with ourselves anyway, right? While I don’t have all the answers to not losing yourself in the us, I am a gentle, warm and kind presence with you as you walk this journey of harmony within yourself and with others. There’s a gentleness to my approach to your codependency recovery because I get it. I literally have had these periods of up and down and obsessed with you then obsessed with me to only find a softer, more open mind and heart around these issues.
There’s also something so sweet about giving gentleness and gratitude to the parts of you that got so into someone that they forgot about you. I think this gentleness and gratitude allows these parts of us to show us why they tried to protect us in the first place. Perhaps these parts are not really codependent after all. Perhaps they began in childhood in order to help the family chaos. Perhaps these parts protected you by giving you a role in the dysfunction growing up. Wherever you learned to survive in this way, you won’t hear me telling you to stop or change! We’ll just walk gently side by side as you share love and gratitude with yourself, explore deeper, and slowly start to feel better around these things.
I’ll give you one example. Years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for help with a “division of labor” task in a relationship. Like I wouldn’t have even asked and I would’ve done it all myself until I got pissed or just had the relationship fall to pieces (I know, not my healthiest moments). Just recently, my partner and I divided up some tasks in a loving, non-critical way that we both feel good about. This is a simple, but deeply rewarding experience. It feels corrective and helpful for me now, but it also gives little me so much attention and love that I needed. Had I ignored little me, it may have come up in an unfair way to me or others and I would’ve just gone on stuffing and repressing. This is just one tiny, but mighty step toward my healing and I would love to support yours. Please reach out today to connect and work together!
Soft Heart Psychology 