I’m not the first to talk about chilling out before and during sex. I’m not talking about numbing or dissociating. I’m talking about tuning in to the moment and attuning to your partner(s). Being mindful in a compassionate, gentle manner can open a channel that feels comfortable and safer for folks. Gently seeing what’s there before, during and after a sexual interaction can help people feel more attuned to their own body and needs as well as to help them connect if they’re engaged with someone else in this sexual interaction.
Example 1: If someone wanted to practice mindfulness when kissing a new partner they might first take a few breaths from the bottom of their pelvic floor diaphragm all the way to the top of their respiratory diaphragm. They might notice whatever they’re noticing. They might notice the smells, tastes, feelings, and quality of the feelings there when they kiss their kissing partner. For example, they may notice the temperature, texture, and any other qualities there in that moment. They may then check in with themself about how they felt about things too.
Example 2: If someone wanted to mindfully masturbate we might recommend they notice what’s up in their body in this moment. We might suggest they tune in and attune to their physical space around them, what’s up internally, and how they feel. If they have any negative feelings about their body or how they’re perceived in the world we’d probably have them scan what’s up in their body with gentleness or take baby steps toward that. We may have them notice the sheet below them rather than their body or perhaps we’d have them notice whatever they notice as they feel a toy or listen to a song. Sometimes noticing the body can be too much and that’s totally okay. Baby steps with everything, but ESPECIALLY with sex can be helpful. Later you can always take note of what you like or dislike, but for now just tuning into what’s here without much assessment or judgment can be a helpful and mindful attunement.
More about mindful loving can be found in Richo’s How To Be An Adult In Relationships. I recommend tuning in and attuning to everyone of my clients in one way or another. When you’re broaching sexual topics there’s not much difference. If you and your therapist have discussed being present, mindfulness or meditation then you may benefit from the suggestions above in your sexual healing journey too. There’s one more session in this series next week, but as always feel free to comment if you want to learn more!
Soft Heart Psychology 