Healing Sex Series: Session 2-Identifying What You Want

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Years ago a friend sent me this amazing and inclusive list that folks can go through with partners to spot what they want and what their partner wants and needs. It’s an ongoing conversation (meaning what they want today may not be what they desire next month). It includes a sex positive approach for all genders to explore what they want. It certainly does not include everything, but I think as a therapeutic tool it’s wonderful because we can use grounding strategies and walk through certain parts of the list.

Chew on things lightly, don’t hold onto any parts of the list too heavily and shamefully. Actually, consider asking your shame to step aside gently. We can thank shame for trying to protect, but this part can’t drive the bus of your inner family as you go through this sex needs inventory. Anchoring in the moment, in your most anchored, grounded space as you read the list will be helpful. There are so many ways people tell us not to attune to our bodies and needs. Please take it easy on yourself. When you feel ready and calm in your body to check the list out then do so. Take as many breaks as you need. Read it with a trusted person like your therapist. You may notice hard boundaries or flowing needs for you. Everything is okay. No shame. Literally, no shame.

The list asks things like if you are comfortable, desire, or maybe desire. You can discuss things you want or limits like if you want to be looked at directly as you are unclothed. How many folks have mentioned that they feel shy being seen naked or even experience gender dysphoria when being seen directly in this way? People can explore how they want to seen and called in sexual interactions. For example, they may prefer you use he/him pronouns with them in sexual interactions, but outside of the bedroom (or wherever!) they use they/them pronouns. There’s so much room to talk about sexual needs and unfortunately we’ve made people feel pretty nervous around it all. Please feel free to talk with your therapist about broaching these conversations with your romantic or sexual partners. More talks on this stuff before, during and after can lead you to more of what you and they want. There’s a few lists but one can be found here you can email me if you’d like a PDF of my favorite to share with clients too. Wishing you an abundance of what you want and need in life until next sexy session!

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