Dear Soft Hearts,
Several people talk with me about not being where they wanted to be yet. I don’t want to invalidate that loss. Perhaps you wanted to parent a child by now. Perhaps you didn’t imagine the world’s climate as it is. Or maybe you figured you’d feel less weighed by trauma triggers after all this healing work. Whatever you wished that you don’t experience now, I’m sorry. I see your loss and I hear you.
If we were in therapy together I’d also ask you to explore where these dreams came from. Were they rooted in Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Sister Sister and Full House? Were your dreams from a grandparent who told you how to be? Were your dreams tied to what others were doing around you? Perhaps your goals for yourself were rooted in your most genuine self and a place of highest good for all. If your goals were to please, fit, or accommodate I want us to look at that.
If it feels right for you you can record where these dreams came from. You can record through signing, writing, speaking, or whatever works for you. You can take time here to explore where these motives came from without judgment. Curiously finding out what different parts of you wanted is a way to honor and validate the loss of not being where you wanted more fully. Now gently love on yourself. You can give yourself a soothing hug or a few slow belly breaths.
If there’s any part of you that dreamed of something because of someone else can we note and thank that part of you? Rather than shame oneself for an unmet dream, set in part by someone, I’d like to encourage us to thank that part of us. Thanking this part that hoped and strived to fit what someone else wanted means we aren’t crushing and shaming a part of ourselves. It might also take some of the charge away by letting this part of ourselves be seen. Even better, if you can take this to a trusted pet or friend then you might further take away some of the charge.
Basically in a summary we are seeing why we wanted this dream. If a part of us wanted the dream to fit grandma’s hope for us we see that, thank it, and disarm it a bit by sharing it with a friend. It doesn’t mean you may not still feel a loss for not being where you wanted to be by now. It just allows us to acknowledge the loss more fully and treat all parts of us and our motives with gentleness. Thanks for joining this week and we’ll spend time together next week for more growth and healing!
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2 thoughts on “Are you Where you Wanted to be?”
Thank for such an interesting article, Dr. J. While I mourn the losses of unmet dreams, I will also explore if any of them were implanted by others. I think I will still have to mourn them regardless, but may finding out that some of them were never for me anyway will be helfpul.
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That’s a great point that we’d still have to mourn the losses whether they’re implanted by others or not! Thanks for joining the discussion here.