Dear soft hearted loved ones,
I talk with so many people recovering from repressed and oppressed sexuality, especially regarding their own pleasure. Several people have been shamed not to touch themselves. Other groups of people have made children feel dirty or ashamed for safe and healthy masturbation. It is also perfectly okay for people not to have sexual interest too.
Sex releases helpful stuff like dopamine, oxytocin, and helps our immune systems. It is even said to light up the same parts of our brains as meditation. Ekhart Tolle’s The Power of Now even discussed sex to be a spiritual experience of connection (Here’s the book:https://bookshop.org/a/23992/9781577314806). Why not rock all that we know about sexual pleasure and the benefits to our hormones and spirituality to help us become more comfortable with masturbation?! If you’d like to know more about how to please yourself with less shame and more satisfaction keep reading for these three tips.
- Heal. Okay easier said than done. Healing old stories around religious or societal shame with sexual pleasure, especially sexual self-pleasure can be very helpful. You can also start to work healing where the psyche and physiological meet or the mind and body. You can uncover the oppressions of colorism, racism, and xenophobia. You can unpack trauma around your gender, body, or sexual traumas. You can give yourself pleasure in a safe setting and in the way that you want without having to tend to someone else’s needs and with less worry about how someone else perceives you or the sexual interaction. There’s so much layered into how we see our genitals, sexual needs, etc. If you can note what areas make you feel comfortable that can be a huge first step toward becoming more comfortable with self-pleasure. For example, if someone experienced religious oppression around sexuality, they can observe these thoughts come up for themselves, note these messages, and affirm or love on themselves. They can also work in therapy to address these wounds to gain more healing and feel touching themselves. Or perhaps their genitals do not align with their gender identity. They may explore what brings them pleasure and what are their boundaries, including what induces dysphoria for them. For some noting and observing the wounds around sexual pleasure can be helpful and for some this can uncover more work they want to do with a trusted psychologist. There are healing providers who can support your goals around feeling okay with who you are, including sexually.
2. Feel. Mindfulness can work wonders with pleasing yourself. If prayer and meditation are in your practice, you can use them now. You can meditate or set a quick intention right before you begin. You can use mindfulness to re-track your mind to the sensations in the moment. If you feel better with a clean, quiet space and can access that space, please do this for yourself. If you feel more relaxed with music or scents, go for it. If you prefer different temperatures you can run cold hands on your torso before you begin pleasuring yourself. If you prefer a slow start you may use your hands before using a toy. You can even explore new toys. Or you can explore nothing new and simply tap into the sensations by being present. Sometimes so much is going on in the world and our minds that we forget we can access a quieter more open part of ourselves internally. Another way to access that serenity within and consciousness is to relax part of the body. You may take a series of slow, long breaths and relax the abdomen or focus on imagining the tension in your pelvis melting into the bed/floor/wherever you are. Accessing physical release of tension can work wonders for the mind-body connection.
3. Deal. Make a no pressure deal with yourself. There are no constraints on whether you get aroused or not. Please let there be no pressure to orgasm. If we did that you may avoid seeking the pleasure you desire. Make a deal to yourself to be your own best lover by respecting your limits including your energy levels. For example, if your sex drive has decreased or you have a different sex drive level than a partner, let this be your time to have no pressure time with yourself. This can also be easier said than done.
I get it, and nonetheless connection to ourselves can help us improve this consciousness and get us some more of that oxytocin and dopamine. Reach out if you’d like to share how you intend to note and maybe even release an old story today. Sending you love this Friday and wishing you a moment of time in whatever way that looks for you.
With kindness,
Dr. Joharchi
Soft Heart Psychology 