Dear Soft Hearted Loves,
My dear sweet one, do you find yourself loving on others only to forget to validate yourself? Do you find yourself Pollyanna-ing and being super positive only to bypass your own feelings? Stuffing our feelings or engaging in toxic positivity may have once done the job. If these ways no longer serve you you’ll find three tips on how to validate your own experiences.
- Write it out. Move it out. Whatever you do please just get it out no matter how embarrassing it is or how much you wish you didn’t feel that anger, jealousy, or resentment. If you’re not sure what “it” is that’s totally understandable too. Get it out one on one without giving it or dumping it on someone. Don Miguel Ruiz talks about how we can be sure to not spew our emotional poison on to others if we take a beat and check in with ourselves.
- Talk to your inner child. Take a few deep breaths and ground yourself in your wisest, kindest place. If you feel safe and grounded you can go back to a time when you were younger and maybe went through something similar. For example, if you’re angry with a boss you may be able to trace this back to a moment of feeling fear of abandonment when you were younger. Go back to that memory and give little you what she needed back then (a shoulder to cry on, an affectionate hug, or just someone to listen, tell her she understands, and tell her she’s a good girl). Reach out to me for a deeper dive into this sort of work utilizing internal family systems (IFS).
- Talk with a super trustworthy person about it. Tell your best friend, sister, or mentor. Tell someone who won’t shame you or elicit toxic positivity. Once you’ve acknowledged what you’re feeling and given yourself and your inner parts validation it can be helpful to share it with a trusted person. You can ask them for what you need too. For example if you want them to just listen or prefer they brainstorm solutions be sure to ask them for the type of listening you need.
I’m proud of you for exploring a new way of emotional expression. We don’t have to hold it in, let it boil within, or release emotional poison onto others. We also no longer have to stuff and numb ourselves. There’s another way to hear ourselves out that feels honoring and authentic.